Friday, June 6, 2008

time now.. 2046hrs.

No reply from her in the morning. No msg from her after she knock off.. Never see her at online. She suppose to be home for dinner.. Maybe she's out. I don't know and i don't want to ask. I scared its something i don't want to hear.

I cant stop thinking about her. I don't know if i should text her. I don't know if i should call. Its always like that.. I hope its not months or years till i talk to her again. Often, the decision is up to her i guess. I don't want things to happen like now. I don't want to. I can't even have a proper fight with her. I can't even clear things up. She's just angry and i'm just left hanging. End of story.

Someone must be laughing away. Laugh if you must. I don't really care about you anymore. If you are reading you must be so damn happy. Fine. Laugh. Till now, i still don't know whats going on. What should i trust. The stuff i hear or the stuff that i see. I want to question her but i can't. Not as a position of a friend. I know her, the more you protrude into something she herself don't want to reveal, the more uptight she gets. 8 years.. on and off. on and off.

If you had only know the feeling. The feeling of wanting to question something, make things clear but you can't. Not as a friend. So you just shut up and all by yourself, you kept every little single thing and you hurt and just keep hurting.

Its so pain to know. Its even more pain to know that you've hurt her. Sigh. Talk so much also no use. Still can't solve the problem.

And i guess her present is stagnant already. I'm happy i've got so many people backing me up and helping me but thank you guys. I don't think i can finish it anymore.

Heard this sentence and thought its meaningful.

"You should never have priority for someone when you are just an option to them."

'maybe you love her too much, you've cared too much'. Maybe? but what's the point now.

I woke up at 11+ today. Postponed my dental appointment to next thursday. At my grandma's house now. She made some dumplings. Man i feel like crying. I feel so useless. Here i am thinking if i should get one or two and save it for her let her try.. i wonder if she cried last night or was she just plain angry. I don't know if he bastard me but i believe jun wouldn't come read my blog. I mean.. she can't be bothered about what i write in my blog what. I can't be wrong right?. My believe is that he complained to her about my blog. It all happened after meeting him. Yasmin is telling me now that jun got read other people's blog de. Oh man. i feel so stupid now..

So many things i wish we could sit down and talk about it, so many things that i want to ask.. Give me the chance to do it can? Clear things up. Let me properly say that i'm sorry and forgive me. Maybe you did cared about me, i don't know. I don't what to believe anymore. I'm so lost. I'm so messed up.

Working on monday. Helping hannah's company do some data entry. The pay's pretty little but i'm not doing it for the pay. I'm doing it to kill time. To not think so much.. Have i been too independent on her? That my emotions are all controlled by her?.. Sigh.

Pretty princess i miss you. Please come back to me. I really really sorry. Do what you want. I don't care. And i wouldn't ask anymore. Nor would i want to know. I will keep quiet and keep hurting within but i don't care. I just want you back. Want you smiling at me. Telling me stuff. Sharing ice creams with me. Letting me run around with you. Go gym. Go run. Let me play with baby. Make cakes for me. I still want my noodles. Cook them for me. please.. just please.. come back.

Friday, June 06, 2008