Wednesday, November 19, 2008

This is me, here. And infront of me, 'Application for POSB further study assist'. Yes.. I've got study loan application infront of me. Hmm.. I running low like really low. Savings suppose to hit 1k this month.. but i'm at $500 only which means i'm not on track at all. I side drifted. This month's saving suppose to be $600-700, its gone partly cause mummy ran out of cash and she took $250 from me, so by right i should save $450 right but no.. i spend.. and pay bills.. left with $200. Sigh. I need a girlfriend who can't keep my wallet and the fuck thing is, I DIDN'T EVEN BUY ANYTHING! I just spent mostly on food and movies. Hmm.. i mean.. no choice what, being a guy, i've paid for who ever the girl that is out with me. Especially when i have so many cards. All got discount. Then everything i also pay by card. I'm starting to hate cash. I never have more than $30 in my wallet ha. All pay by card. Happy happy just sign. Yeah so i've got no choice but to look at the application form. I don't want to borrow from my relatives and look at the dog at home. I mean, no point relying on her. She's relying on me. Asshole. Tough life. Wasn't born right but fuck that, i'm born already. Get on with it..

Hmm.. I've taken up a new sport. Some thing that i like alot.. Which is running :D i went to run just now and i bump into the uncle, the one that runs alot around the neighbourhood, the one that i admire alot, he's old but fit as hell. He's always like in short and running shoes, even if he goes to buy dinner, he run's there and maybe stroll back and he's really friendly, he recognises me and always say hi, ask me how's my day and all. Smile. I like him alot. and.. I ran a quick 5 rounds around the park and fast walk for one round than i ran another 2 round before he came up to me and started running with me.. I pace him for another 3 round and i cui already. He's not very very fast or maybe he slowed down for me i don't really know but i went back and i wanted to run with him again, side by side. I want to run like committing to it. Gym tomorrow. Then run again, take timing, run, run and run. It's a good sport and it takes up my mind.

I wouldn't have to think about stuff like the bills are all infront of me, i don't have to think right now at this moment of time, i'm hungry cause i skipped dinner. I only have a meal today and it was fried rice with chicken wing. $2. From the canteen at my work place at around 5pm. I don't have to think ros is coming back this weekend, how am i going to handle two person. I don't have to think that i'm playing with somebody as dangeous as me.. and i just can't stop. I think i like her.

It's dangerous. She's dangerous. I am dangerous. Why is she dangerous? Basically cause i don't know her. In some ways, she's alot like zhijun, in some ways she's more than zhijun. You ask me what i like about her? I would say.. I the cosy-ness when she stands like just right beside me. She gets your mind pumping. You just want to hold her close and kiss her. That's why i say she's such a temptation, knowingly or unknowingly doing it. She's just so close, that we brushed each others nose, she played with my hair and i keep smelling hers. I'm happy and she can talk alot like alot alot non stop till u think she's so annoying u want to kiss her to make her shut up but some times she's so quiet you start thinking what's wrong. IN SHORT, SHE MESS-ES WITH MY MIND! Argh.. and that's why i hate it. I don't have control. and.. if you ask me why i don't like her? I'm scared. Like i say she's as dangerous as me. Sometimes i think, i barely even know her and if this is the way she is, i'm like thinking how many other guys have actually fallen for it already? I don't want to think, "oh i'm so special." etc, i mean, love has never come my way, people who are nice, always ended up leaving, breaking up, hurting me, etc.. (exceptional for ros) so if you tell me, for a person who barely know me, and is attracted to me like in such a short while, i'm sorry no. I don't believe. I would, if its like rozi that time, secondary school. Lana etc.. My confidence level is so high, my record is kept at two weeks. As in, I only need two weeks and she'd be my girlfriend. Now, different.. Probably grown up already. There's alot to consider. Asking some one to be your girlfriend isn't that easy anymore. I don't live that kind of life. Not anymore. If i had, i would easily account to having 10+ ex girlfriends now. And the thing scary about is, steph actually told me, like she bought this watch for another guy and he bought another one back for her, like she bought the guys one for him, and he bought the girl one for her. I don't know. I don't want my girlfriend to be this way. Ask him buy his own la, what's with the i buy for you, you buy back for me thingy. Couple watch some more. Then she go shopping today, she bought with another guy the same shirt, same size, same design, same color. On the phone i was looking at my bills and talking to her, i quietly felt -.-||

I'm not saying she can't do it. I wouldn't say if its right of wrong but i definately say i don't want my girlfriend like that or have that kind of history. You can't put two dangerous people together, you just can't!. I did what she did before, on a friend too. AND THAT'S WHY!!. Well, fuck myself. I cannot accept it yet i'm doing it. You just can't put two people, two people like that together, they'll pissed each other off and i'm seriously. I don't know her at all. Unless she can prove to me that she's a different girl when she's attached. Just like me.. than maybe it possible to have a relationship. Else i think it wouldn't work out. For me, come on everybody knows it. I've got a girlfriend, i'll give her my all. Steph would you be one too??but bullshit, nobody appreciates.)

Hmm.. yesterday we had dinner, we talked about going genting. Talked about she joining me and my friends. Than we talked about sharing rooms, she'll be sleeping with me and all.. So sweet ha. She want to tied me up and leave me to sleep at the bath tub while she sleep on the bed. Asshole right. Well i'm serious ha. I've ask my friends already and they are interested in going for the trip ha. Decemeber? Hmm..

Do you really like me or are you playing with me?. I really don't know man.. Everything is going so fast.. I have fast records but fast records doesn't last. I'm afraid. Very afraid. I don't want to get hurt :(

Wednesday, November 19, 2008